minutemen | 4 ❀ 花吐き病

[Mikazuki takes a step back as Tsurumaru starts coughing.

He's always been able to tell when Tsurumaru uses words and flippancy to hide fear and regret. This time is no different. He can tell. He can tell that Tsuru is scared, both of the feelings himself and of losing them. Because...]

If you really thought so, you would have told that person, and if they did not return your feelings then you would have gone to Aruji immediately.

.... But you didn't.

[He is going to call you out, you dumb bird.]

If you ask Aruji to cut it off now... then I will lose you just as surely as if it chokes you. I will not see your smile again, not the one I know you keep just for me. All the warmth we have shared over those long years, it will all be gone. Just because you cannot tell one person that you love them. Is it really worth it, Tsurumaru?

( He would have told that person.

He says it like he doesn't know. Has he concealed his feeling so well? He should be proud and yet, if he'd managed to successfully push Mikazuki away, this wouldn't be a problem in the first place.

He lets out a raspy laugh that sounds like a held back cry. He hates this. He hates this so much. Why did this have to happen to him? Things could have gone about normally if this had never happened. )

Because, MIkazuki Munechika! ( His chest hurts. It hurts so much, like it could split open at any moment. ) If I told you, would you let me go?

( The one he loves is Mikazuki Munechika. The one who still wants to see his smile. That warmth. The one who won't let him throw away these feelings. )

[.... Why, of why did he have to get saddled with this stupid bird?

Why would he let you go if you told him you love him? But also why would not tell him, of all people? Has he not shown you, time again, how much he loves you? Why would you go and think that any feeling you might have would not be reciprocated.]

Kuninaga.... sometimes, you really are too stupid for your own good.

[Mikazuki kneels down and grabs Kuninaga into a hug.]

Why would you not tell me? Have I ever told you that I do not love you?

( It stings being insulted but he knows it's deserved. He opens his mouth to argue back for pride's sake but before he can, he finds himself wrapped in Mikazuki's arms. It's nice, he thinks, and his chest feels light for the first time in forever.

And he pushes back, weakly thanks to having lost so much strength to this cursed disease. )

... Let go.

( He coughs once. )

Just let go now instead of later, Mikazuki.

( Get it over with. )

No.

[No, he is not letting you go. Deal with it.]

What did you think the flowers were for? Or the poems? Or the time spent with you?

[You're old enough, aren't you, Tsurumaru Kuninaga? You wouldn't have missed the meaning behind those? Did you? Or did you just refuse to believe it?]

I don't want to let go of you. For as long as I can, I want to hold onto you. I love you, Kuninaga.

( The flowers neatly set in his room on display for the other Date swords to see. The poems tucked away in a box for his eyes on. The time he so gladly spent with Mikazuki, always wanting more. He'd known what they meant. As foolish as he is, he isn't a complete fool. He recognizes the old courtship customs and its so very much like Mikazuki to make such romantic shows of his affection.

But acknowledging them would mean having to return them.It would mean opening his heart up more than he already has... giving his all to someone else and it's something he's never done. Or at least, not something he's done since he first gave himself to a young master and his fate only to have himself ripped away from his promise to be with him forever.

And Mikazuki confesses and it his heart beats so hard like it could come out of his chest and he becomes breathless. Crying out in pain, he wraps his arms around MIkazuki, holding onto him tightly if only to bear the intense pain in his chest. He coughs violently into the other swords robes, his body shaking in his arms.

Spider lily after spider lily falls from his mouth onto Mikazuki's lap until... his chest feels clear, like everything that was inside has come out. He takes in a loud, sharp breath of air and pants. )

Why?

( It's weak, barely a whisper. )

Don't... don't you know... what happens?

( To things around him? Nothing ever stays. )

[Mikazuki holds onto Tsurumaru tightly as he coughs, hard. Watches the flowers, red stains, fall onto the blue silk. Doesn't say anything for a beat or two, just to be sure that Tsurumaru's breathing is unobstructed now.]

I don't believe in curses or fairy tales. None of what happened to you was your fault, and you have never brought misfortune to me.

And you are warm, and soft, and joyful, and attentive to others. And you are mine. You have been mine ever since I first laid eyes on you, and I have been yours from that day onward. I have always known it.

[So cutting off all your feelings because you're afraid? Not acceptable, Tsurumaru Kuninaga. Mikazuki's hold wavers for just a moment as a shiver take shim.]

If you had asked Aruji to go and cut it out of you, all of it... what would have become of me then? Me, loving you with all of my heart, and you now unable to return those feelings, to even comprehend them... Would I have been doomed to the same fate? Would a flower have bloomed for me then?

( "Mine ever since I first laid eyes on you and yours from that day onward."

To think of how much he's missed because of his reluctance to share his feelings. He rests his head on Mikazuki's shoulder, still trying to catch his breath and weak from his fit. There's nothing he can do but listen and be completely aware that Mikazuki is here.

What would he have done if Mikazuki had suffered this too? Nothing because there would have been nothing inside of him to care. Would Mikazuki let the flowers be removed? Or would he suffer until the very end as he had tried? It doesn't matter because the mere idea of him having to experience this too hurts him all over again. His hand reaches to touch MIkazuki's chest, to feel his chest rise and fall, to feel his hear beat.

Burying his face into Mikazuki's shoulder, he tries to gather up his strength to hold Mikazuki in return instead of restign weakly in his arms, )

I'm a fool.

( Just like Mikazuki had said. )

[How long has this really been going on? Tsurumaru feels so weak against him...

And he can agree on one thing.]

Yes, you are. And now you are going to need some rest.

[Guess who is carrying you again, Tsurumaru? But this time, he's not slinging you over his shoulder. This time he holds you into a gentle bride-carry, enveloped in his sleeves for warmth.

But he doesn't carry Tsurumaru back to the room he shares with the Date swords. No, he very deliberately makes for his own room. he does occasionally share it with his brothers, but it is a private room.]

( It's warm and soft and he thinks he could stay here forever if he was allowed to. If he'd let himself. Not one to lose his spirit easily though, he grumbles against Mikazuki, )

... You'd better not drop me again.

( It hurt, you know. It actually, really did. )

[Mikazuki laughs softly.]

Don't do anything that requires knocking some sense into you, then.

[You probably have done enough of that for today.

Mikazuki opens the door to his room and the futon is already laid out. It's true that it's late but it's almost like he had been expecting this and planned for it.]

( How can Mikazuki laugh so easily after everything, he doesn't really understand but he loves it. If he could make him laugh all the time, he'd be happy, he thinks. )

I won't make any promises.

( Even when Mikazuki sets him down, he doesn't let go of him easily. He seems pretty intent to cling onto Mikazuki as long as possible. To drag him down with him with what little strength he has left. )

How can you... forgive me so easily?

( Isn't he still angry? )

[Well, Mikazuki doesn't mind clingy. It's a welcome change from him being so distant earlier on. So he just lies down on his side by Tsurumaru's side. They're both still fully dressed, but that doesn't matter.]

Because I love you.

[It's as simple as that, Tsurumaru.]

I love you, and I had thought I had been clear enough about it. How could you not see it?

( He buries his face into Mikazuki, trying to rest. His voice is barely a murmur because it's spoken into his fabric, )

Of course I saw. ( He really did. ) But you know...

( It isn't easy for him to open his heart to others. Even to Mikazuki. )

Did you think that if you ignored it, it would just... go away?

.... you know, I really think I am lucky not to have been the one to end up like this.

[After all, weren't you the one not returning his feelings? And yet... and yet he didn't end up like this, somehow. Which can only mean that he somehow knew that his feelings were not unrequited... and yet you didn't.]

You really like to make things more complicated than they are, Kuninaga.

I thought it wouldn't be a problem.

(And it wouldn't have been a problem if he hadn't gotten sick. Things would have gone about as they'd been before, casually flirting and enjoying each other's company but not having to actually commit to anything.

He seems to resting a lot easier now, body relaxing and beginning to recover from his earlier fit. He needs a moment longer to rest and gather his thoughts before he asks,)

What happens now?

What do you want, Kuninaga?

[That's what's going to happen, basically. You are going to think about what you want, and then you are going to accept that you want it, and then you are going to ask for it and take it.]

There are so many things I am ready to give to you... And I have already given you what is most precious to me. What Aruji gave life to inside of me. So I hope you take care of it.

[His heart, that Tsurumaru can hear beat steadily in his chest.]

And that you will let me take care of you as well.

(It's the kind of answer he expects and he stays still, even his breathing seeming to stop for a moment as he considers everything. Like this, he can hear Mikazuki's heart beat more. It makes him want to curl closer into Mikazuki, fitting against him so that he can be even closer.

He's regained all of the strength he can for now. He's still a little weak from having hidden things for so long but its nothing he can't push through. Shifting, he lifts himself so that he can be on top of Mikazuki, looking down at him with pale gold eyes. There's a mix of emotions-- sadness, longing, warmth, tiredness, seriousness, fear.)

For a thousand years. (For how long.) For a thousand years and more.

(Like a crane loves for life.)

I'll promise to love you.

[Tsurumaru is light. He always has been, the bulk of his clothing hiding his lankiness. It's like having a soft, warm weight like a baby bird on top of him, and Mikazuki goes to cup Tsurumaru's cheek, thumb, rubbing it softly.]

I know, you will, Kuninaga.

... In fact, given what happened, I am pretty sure I knew it before you did.

[In fact, the whole Citadel knew it before you did. Please be more self aware, you dumb bird.]

( It's still hard for him to be truly happy. Given his past, he's still hesitant to give himself over to someone completely. There's always that lingering fear that things will come to an end and he'll be hurt again in the worst way because it's never the easiest way. Having his namesake come from the crane is a blessing and a curse. It's an auspicious symbol known for it's intense loyalty to another but when separated, it dies. Or in his case, a part of him seems to die.

He leans into Mikazuki's touch and then lowers himself on top of him, moving close to kiss him on the lips. Speaking quietly so only MIkazuki can hear,, )

I love you.

( And he kisses him again. )

[Mikazuki kisses him back softly, closing his arms around Tsurumaru to hold him close.

And then he whispers in Tsurumaru's ear.]

Rising and returning,
Filled with love,
However distant
You are, my heart
Lifts with the whitecaps.

[Another poem to add to the collection he has already given the crane sword.]

You need not ever doubt my feelings for you, Kuninaga.

4 ❀ 花吐き病

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