minutemen | 4 ❀ 花吐き病

( Ittai!!!!

He holds his head with his hands and shrinks away from Mikazuki, scooting a little closer to the saniwa for protection and hisses in frustrated pain. He wants to snap something right back at him but that look in Mikazuki's eyes is enough to stop him silent.

He's quiet, looking away and biting down his tongue. That look... it's enough to make his chest feel tight and he groans. He doesn't want to tell the saniwa but he doesn't want Mikazuki to be the one to tell either. )

Aruji...

( He's stubborn and he curls his hands into fists, avoiding looking at both of them even though he can feel their eyes on him. He reaches into his sleeve and holds out a crushed flower from earlier and puts it down in front of them.

Of course, the saniwa is confused, asking what's happening and Tsurumaru stifles a small cough. He can't. He can't admit it. )

[Oh for the love of...

Mikazuki actually crouches next to Tsurumaru and grabs his kimono collar.]

Tell. Her.

[Tell her now, you stupid crane.

He's not upset that Tsurumaru loves someone. He's had a long life, he has loved many, he has lost many. So in the end, the 'who' doesn't really matter. Even if it's not him. But the hiding it, and hiding it until something like this develops and all but... kills him? because if left unaddressed it will kill him. Or at least kill a good part of him, if they use some other methods to get it out. And that is unacceptable.]

How could you let it go so long without saying anything?

( This isn't a side of Mikazuki he's used to seeing and he knows he can't dance his way out of this one. His eyes briefly meet his before looking away, guilty. )

It wasn't bad... at first.

( He coughs again, )

Aruji. I'm sick. ( And he tries to push Mikazuki off of him so that he can show the saniwa and Mikazuki. Kneeling before them both, he raises a hand to his chest, ) There's something inside me. ( Cough, cough. ) Spreading and growing.

( He covers his mouth as he coughs again, quiet for a moment before holding out his hand to reveal a red petal. )

A flowering disease.

( There, are you happy? )

[Of course he's not happy. But it needs to be said so something can be done about it.]

You know what this is, don't you, Aruji?

[Of course they do. They are well educated after all. But now that the cat is out of the bag... he turns to look at Tsurumaru again.]

I'll give you some privacy to discuss what needs to be done.

[After all, he knows Tsurumaru. He's probably embarrassed by his own emotions. Discussing this in front of Mikazuki would only make him cagey and try to hide more. but he still gives Tsurumaru a look before he stands up to leave the room. He will catch you afterwards, you dumb bird. He is not done scolding you.]

( He's relieved when Mikazuki leaves, feeling like he can take a breath again only to cough more as he exits. There's much to talk about with the saniwa and it isn't an easy conversation. It's one that lasts a long time and takes even longer because of his own inability to speak for too long. When he's finally set free, it's dark and past dinner. The saniwa will have to think about what to do-- urge Tsurumaru to be open with his feelings or resort to the last option.

In the kitchen, Tsurumaru drinks a cup of tea, trying to soothe his sore throat. He coughs again, sputtering tea back into the cup and more petals float to the surface.

Will it get to the point he can't even swallow? That would be bad, wouldn't it? )

[A hand comes from behind to catch the cup before it spills.]

Take smaller breaths. And drink just a little at a time.

[Mikazuki supports the cup for Tsurumaru, and helps him drink until the cup is empty.]

And before you ask, yes, I am still mad at you. I cannot believe you tried to hide this as it happened right in front of my eyes.

[It still rankles that you told him to leave while you were literally coughing your lungs out. How dare you.

There might not be much he is able to do in the end, because it depends on you and whoever that person you love is. But how dare you ask him, who almost raised you from the beginning, to leave you to suffer through this on your own?]

( He manages to get the tea down but it takes longer than it should. When he finishes, he can't quite bring himself to look at Mikazuki, )

... I didn't want anyone to worry.

And do you think we're less worried now?

[Really, Tsurumaru?]

You know the stories. You know that not saying anything at all makes it worse.

[Even for someone as avoidant as you, this is pushing things too far.]

Are you that scared of not being loved, Tsurumaru?

[When there are so many who love you, him included. He would gladly step aside to leave room for whoever your heart is set on if it meant you were happy. he didn't expect you to go and kill yourself with it.]

Well, you were all certainly less worried before.

( ANd now all of this attention on him... It's not that he isn't used to it. He is, after all, an imperial treasure and he was considered a work of art long before that. HE's used to people staring at him but always out of admiration. Now, he's painfully aware that he's defected and damaged and he doesn't like this one bit.

He coughs, covering his mouth and trying to keep back the petals building up from his chest, )

It's not that.

( He still can't look at Mikazuki. If he does, he knows it will only make this feeling in his chest worse.

And if he can't keep this a secret, he'll do the next best thing. Try to push away the thing he's avoiding, )

... Don't you think it would be nice, Mikazuki? To not be burdened with this feeling?

No, I don't.

[The answer comes out without any hesitation.

Contrary to what one may believe, since he is one of the oldest swords around, Mikazuki has taken to the whole 'physical body' and 'heart and soul' thing like a fish to water. Embraced all of it, from the get go. He is still very aware that he's not actually human, but he's been uncompromising in accepting and experiencing all of those things, whether good or bad, that he has seen his many masters go through.

He's not letting Tsurumaru run away from this. He cups the other tsukumogami's cheeks and makes him look up.]

Please, Tsurumaru...

I am not going to pry. I cannot make the decision for you. But please... I can't lose you like this.

[Because no matter what happens... if this is left to fester, Mikazuki will lose him. He knows it.]

( Why is he not surprised and his attempt at a laugh comes out as another cough.

The worst comes when Mikazuki takes a hold of him, forcing to look up. His eyes meet Mikazuki's and in that pale gold, there's an immense sadness, one that Tsurumaru has kept with him for millennium now. And even deeper, there's a quiet longing, a wanting for something more. Something that he smothers and keeps locked away in case that too, becomes sorrow.

The longer he looks, the more that feeling in his chest tightens and he tries to pull his face away, turning it so he can cough again and again. It's a fit that has him gasping for breath and he crouches down on the ground, holding his stomach as it goes on and on. Petals spill from his lips like specks of blood on the floor, one flower and then another falls to the ground and he still isn't finished.

After what feels like forever, he stops, gasping for breath and hoarsely, )

I can't lose either! Not.... anymore! ( His hands grab a fist full of the spider lilies on the ground, crushing them. The meaning isn't lost on him. Loss, longing, abandonment, lost memories. ) That's why it would... ( He clears his throat, ) ... It would be easier to just get rid of it.

( Of course, he doesn't really think that. He wouldn't still be a Touken Danshi if he thought those feelings were better off gone. )

[Mikazuki takes a step back as Tsurumaru starts coughing.

He's always been able to tell when Tsurumaru uses words and flippancy to hide fear and regret. This time is no different. He can tell. He can tell that Tsuru is scared, both of the feelings himself and of losing them. Because...]

If you really thought so, you would have told that person, and if they did not return your feelings then you would have gone to Aruji immediately.

.... But you didn't.

[He is going to call you out, you dumb bird.]

If you ask Aruji to cut it off now... then I will lose you just as surely as if it chokes you. I will not see your smile again, not the one I know you keep just for me. All the warmth we have shared over those long years, it will all be gone. Just because you cannot tell one person that you love them. Is it really worth it, Tsurumaru?

( He would have told that person.

He says it like he doesn't know. Has he concealed his feeling so well? He should be proud and yet, if he'd managed to successfully push Mikazuki away, this wouldn't be a problem in the first place.

He lets out a raspy laugh that sounds like a held back cry. He hates this. He hates this so much. Why did this have to happen to him? Things could have gone about normally if this had never happened. )

Because, MIkazuki Munechika! ( His chest hurts. It hurts so much, like it could split open at any moment. ) If I told you, would you let me go?

( The one he loves is Mikazuki Munechika. The one who still wants to see his smile. That warmth. The one who won't let him throw away these feelings. )

[.... Why, of why did he have to get saddled with this stupid bird?

Why would he let you go if you told him you love him? But also why would not tell him, of all people? Has he not shown you, time again, how much he loves you? Why would you go and think that any feeling you might have would not be reciprocated.]

Kuninaga.... sometimes, you really are too stupid for your own good.

[Mikazuki kneels down and grabs Kuninaga into a hug.]

Why would you not tell me? Have I ever told you that I do not love you?

( It stings being insulted but he knows it's deserved. He opens his mouth to argue back for pride's sake but before he can, he finds himself wrapped in Mikazuki's arms. It's nice, he thinks, and his chest feels light for the first time in forever.

And he pushes back, weakly thanks to having lost so much strength to this cursed disease. )

... Let go.

( He coughs once. )

Just let go now instead of later, Mikazuki.

( Get it over with. )

No.

[No, he is not letting you go. Deal with it.]

What did you think the flowers were for? Or the poems? Or the time spent with you?

[You're old enough, aren't you, Tsurumaru Kuninaga? You wouldn't have missed the meaning behind those? Did you? Or did you just refuse to believe it?]

I don't want to let go of you. For as long as I can, I want to hold onto you. I love you, Kuninaga.

( The flowers neatly set in his room on display for the other Date swords to see. The poems tucked away in a box for his eyes on. The time he so gladly spent with Mikazuki, always wanting more. He'd known what they meant. As foolish as he is, he isn't a complete fool. He recognizes the old courtship customs and its so very much like Mikazuki to make such romantic shows of his affection.

But acknowledging them would mean having to return them.It would mean opening his heart up more than he already has... giving his all to someone else and it's something he's never done. Or at least, not something he's done since he first gave himself to a young master and his fate only to have himself ripped away from his promise to be with him forever.

And Mikazuki confesses and it his heart beats so hard like it could come out of his chest and he becomes breathless. Crying out in pain, he wraps his arms around MIkazuki, holding onto him tightly if only to bear the intense pain in his chest. He coughs violently into the other swords robes, his body shaking in his arms.

Spider lily after spider lily falls from his mouth onto Mikazuki's lap until... his chest feels clear, like everything that was inside has come out. He takes in a loud, sharp breath of air and pants. )

Why?

( It's weak, barely a whisper. )

Don't... don't you know... what happens?

( To things around him? Nothing ever stays. )

[Mikazuki holds onto Tsurumaru tightly as he coughs, hard. Watches the flowers, red stains, fall onto the blue silk. Doesn't say anything for a beat or two, just to be sure that Tsurumaru's breathing is unobstructed now.]

I don't believe in curses or fairy tales. None of what happened to you was your fault, and you have never brought misfortune to me.

And you are warm, and soft, and joyful, and attentive to others. And you are mine. You have been mine ever since I first laid eyes on you, and I have been yours from that day onward. I have always known it.

[So cutting off all your feelings because you're afraid? Not acceptable, Tsurumaru Kuninaga. Mikazuki's hold wavers for just a moment as a shiver take shim.]

If you had asked Aruji to go and cut it out of you, all of it... what would have become of me then? Me, loving you with all of my heart, and you now unable to return those feelings, to even comprehend them... Would I have been doomed to the same fate? Would a flower have bloomed for me then?

( "Mine ever since I first laid eyes on you and yours from that day onward."

To think of how much he's missed because of his reluctance to share his feelings. He rests his head on Mikazuki's shoulder, still trying to catch his breath and weak from his fit. There's nothing he can do but listen and be completely aware that Mikazuki is here.

What would he have done if Mikazuki had suffered this too? Nothing because there would have been nothing inside of him to care. Would Mikazuki let the flowers be removed? Or would he suffer until the very end as he had tried? It doesn't matter because the mere idea of him having to experience this too hurts him all over again. His hand reaches to touch MIkazuki's chest, to feel his chest rise and fall, to feel his hear beat.

Burying his face into Mikazuki's shoulder, he tries to gather up his strength to hold Mikazuki in return instead of restign weakly in his arms, )

I'm a fool.

( Just like Mikazuki had said. )

[How long has this really been going on? Tsurumaru feels so weak against him...

And he can agree on one thing.]

Yes, you are. And now you are going to need some rest.

[Guess who is carrying you again, Tsurumaru? But this time, he's not slinging you over his shoulder. This time he holds you into a gentle bride-carry, enveloped in his sleeves for warmth.

But he doesn't carry Tsurumaru back to the room he shares with the Date swords. No, he very deliberately makes for his own room. he does occasionally share it with his brothers, but it is a private room.]

( It's warm and soft and he thinks he could stay here forever if he was allowed to. If he'd let himself. Not one to lose his spirit easily though, he grumbles against Mikazuki, )

... You'd better not drop me again.

( It hurt, you know. It actually, really did. )

[Mikazuki laughs softly.]

Don't do anything that requires knocking some sense into you, then.

[You probably have done enough of that for today.

Mikazuki opens the door to his room and the futon is already laid out. It's true that it's late but it's almost like he had been expecting this and planned for it.]

( How can Mikazuki laugh so easily after everything, he doesn't really understand but he loves it. If he could make him laugh all the time, he'd be happy, he thinks. )

I won't make any promises.

( Even when Mikazuki sets him down, he doesn't let go of him easily. He seems pretty intent to cling onto Mikazuki as long as possible. To drag him down with him with what little strength he has left. )

How can you... forgive me so easily?

( Isn't he still angry? )

[Well, Mikazuki doesn't mind clingy. It's a welcome change from him being so distant earlier on. So he just lies down on his side by Tsurumaru's side. They're both still fully dressed, but that doesn't matter.]

Because I love you.

[It's as simple as that, Tsurumaru.]

I love you, and I had thought I had been clear enough about it. How could you not see it?

( He buries his face into Mikazuki, trying to rest. His voice is barely a murmur because it's spoken into his fabric, )

Of course I saw. ( He really did. ) But you know...

( It isn't easy for him to open his heart to others. Even to Mikazuki. )

4 ❀ 花吐き病

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