[it's that pity that he doesn't want. if he broke in battle, it would be honorable, in the line of duty. this wasting away was only reminiscent of something human - he should not die like a human. he should die like a sword, or disappear. he's been out here for hours, making his way from the citadel - and the body's instinct is to move away from chill, into heat and life. his mind says the opposite, that to freeze he might fall asleep more easily to suffocate without knowing.
but in this overwhelming warmth, this protection, he wants to linger as much as he wants to slip away. he could let go, in these arms - be safe, as his spirit detached. and yet, it would be to lose this moment all the sooner. lose the touch of his hand, his forehead, to hear those words that sound like something he could have been waiting for, if only they were meant in another way.
he pulls in more shaky breaths, trying to be a little more steady. to give him the answer he's looking for. his illness is known - what blooms around his lungs, his heart. of course there's answers.]
Be selfish...
[be selfish. if only it was enough.]
The one I care for...doesn't know at all. But yet...
[he wants his heart to feel something, he wants to understand these emotions, because otherwise why be born into a human body at all? to lose it, that would be its own death.]
I want to feel - it's all I have.
[it's all he has of the one he loves. that every day spent together has built this. that his care strengthens it, that his smile fuels it. Nikkari wants, so badly, but he is tainted, failed, lost. it was only natural for those who had fallen to wish for the divinity that escaped them - but they could never touch. they might love, but it did not shine back down upon them.
everyone loves them, for who they are. do they know? that the impure cannot help but to be beckoned by their light?
does he know? he couldn't, for Nikkari has never said. and no one could expect love to fall upon a dying man like a fairy tale.]
no subject
but in this overwhelming warmth, this protection, he wants to linger as much as he wants to slip away. he could let go, in these arms - be safe, as his spirit detached. and yet, it would be to lose this moment all the sooner. lose the touch of his hand, his forehead, to hear those words that sound like something he could have been waiting for, if only they were meant in another way.
he pulls in more shaky breaths, trying to be a little more steady. to give him the answer he's looking for. his illness is known - what blooms around his lungs, his heart. of course there's answers.]
Be selfish...
[be selfish. if only it was enough.]
The one I care for...doesn't know at all. But yet...
[he wants his heart to feel something, he wants to understand these emotions, because otherwise why be born into a human body at all? to lose it, that would be its own death.]
I want to feel - it's all I have.
[it's all he has of the one he loves. that every day spent together has built this. that his care strengthens it, that his smile fuels it. Nikkari wants, so badly, but he is tainted, failed, lost. it was only natural for those who had fallen to wish for the divinity that escaped them - but they could never touch. they might love, but it did not shine back down upon them.
everyone loves them, for who they are. do they know? that the impure cannot help but to be beckoned by their light?
does he know? he couldn't, for Nikkari has never said. and no one could expect love to fall upon a dying man like a fairy tale.]